Category: Self Improvement

Don’t fake it till you make it

Neera

How many times we have been advised, to “fake it till you make it.”

This cliche advice is often given when we are faced with a situation that requires confidence, such as a job interview or meeting a new client. The idea is to project an air of confidence, even if you don’t feel it inside, in the hope that eventually, you will start to feel more confident.

However, I have found that this approach has negative consequences. While it may work for some people, for me it leads to a feeling of inadequacy. As if I am a fake and will remain a fake because I have cheated others into believing something which I was not.

What if, instead of “faking it”, we acknowledge and address the underlying issues causing the lack of confidence? This can involve reassessing the situation and figuring out what we already know and what we need to know to build that confidence. As our knowledge and skills will grow we will be in a better position to become more confident.

The first thing to ask when you feel emotionally conflicted is, what are my strengths? Can I use any of those in this situation? Acting from your strength makes you work from your true self. Building knowledge, skills, and experience is not hard if you know your starting point and where you need to be.

But what if you miss out on the opportunity by “not faking it”? Well, invariably honesty and desire to learn and grow weigh higher than the fake persona you build up. Nothing makes you more confident when you act from a place of integrity. Sara Blakely’s story confirms that.

Sara Blakely designed a new kind of underwear, called it Spanx and eventually became the youngest female billionaire in America.

When she was growing up in Florida, she didn’t exactly dream of designing ladies’ undergarments. She wanted to be a lawyer. But when she took her LSATs, she failed twice. She ended up selling fax machines door to door.

If anyone has done door-to-door selling, they would know how demoralizing it is. Many times she would get in her car and drive around the block multiple times, just trying to convince herself to walk through the door. And sometimes she’d walk through the door, and then turn around and go back.

During one of her depressed moments, she came up with an idea of a new kind of hosiery item that will basically tighten and then smooth everything around your butt and thighs.

She did the research to find out the market need and lack of an existing patent for any such garment, then spent the $5000 she was saving from selling fax machines, to get a patent for what was basically footless pantyhose in the form of underpants.

Then she used her door-to-door selling experience to find a manufacturer who agreed to build her a prototype. She put that prototype in a Ziploc bag from her kitchen, printed a color copy of the packaging that she created on her friend’s computer, and went to see Diane, the head of the hosiery buyer at Neiman Marcus headquarters.

In the middle of the meeting, Sara could see she was losing her. She knew it was her only shot, so she asked her, would you come to the bathroom with her?

“What?” said the impeccably dressed woman who had the power to buy millions of dollar worth of stuff from hosiery manufacturers.

“Sorry. Please excuse me. I know it’s a little weird, but I want to show you my product before and after.”

The lady agreed and walked down the hall with Sara. Sara was wearing cream pants which were showing the lines of her underwear. Sara replaces her underwear with her Spanx and Diane looked at her, and went, “Wow, I get it. It’s brilliant.” And she said, I’m going to place an order, and I’m going to put it in seven stores and see how it goes.

This is a much shorter version of Sara’s story which she narrated in an interview on How I Built This podcast, but basically, Sara didn’t hide her inexperience, overcame several hurdles using her strengths and whatever knowledge and experience she had, and in the end, her honesty landed her the contract.

Gena Gorlin, a coach of startup founders, came up with an alternate framework to “fake it, till you make it.” She calls it the “remembering what you know,” framework.

“Remembering what you know,” is the opposite of faking. It is about zooming out to examine the wider landscape of knowledge that can and ought to be brought to bear on your situation, rather than getting faked out by unwarranted (or partially warranted, or misdirected) anxiety. – Gena Gorlin

Acting on your fully considered judgment, even in the presence of conflicting emotions, is not “faking.” On the contrary, it is staying real with yourself. It is bringing your full knowledge—including but not limited to what you’re feeling—to bear on what you choose to do. It is acting with integrity.

What is holding your attention?

Neera

“Whatever you will focus your attention on will grow in your life,” a mentor once said to me.

I had almost forgotten such an important lesson.
Because my attention was distributed between different things.

As I am dropping projects one by one, I am getting my time and energy back.

But more importantly, I can focus my attention on things that matter to me the most.

Our attention is our most important resource. Even more than time and energy.

What we’re paying attention to impacts how we experience every second, minute, and hour of our lives.

Attention is the very fuel of the modern economy.

But managing our attention is becoming increasingly difficult.

When we give our attention away freely to everyone who asks for it, every company that demands it, it affects us in all areas of our lives.

One way I am taking back ownership of my attention is by building my knowledge management system.

All my insights, ideas, thoughts, and notes at one place. It is taking time and energy but I once I am done with it, my knowledge management system will enhance my productivity multiple times.

This project has my full attention at the moment.

What has got your attention at the moment?

How I Made My Willpower Work For Me

Neera

I was resisting the temptation to indulge in a slice of birthday cake since yesterday. At the start of the year, I made a pact with myself to cut sugar from my diet. But at night, just after dinner, my resolve crumbled.

I don’t even remember how I ended up in front of the fridge, took out the slice, and ate it.

I thought I had enough willpower to control my cravings but apparently, I didn’t.

It’s not just with food that my willpower fails me, it is with other things too.

I send out a newsletter every Friday. This Friday, I woke up energized. I had the topic in mind which I have even researched previously. I knew I will be able to pull it off. So I got a bit relaxed and allowed myself to get distracted by other tasks, such as responding to emails, working on a LinkedIn post, and researching for my next book.

The day wore on, and before I realized it, it was 5 pm, my usual newsletter posting time. I started to panic. Despite all my efforts, the words just wouldn’t come. I even tried to find something I had written previously that I could refine and send, but to no avail.

After two hours of frustration, I gave up and turned to mindless entertainment, watching a movie before finally going to sleep.

Once again, my willpower had failed me.

These experiences (and many similar ones before these) pissed me off and I decided to figure out how to make my willpower work for me.

I read everything I could find on the topic including, scientific research and research papers by psychologists on how to cultivate and maintain willpower.

This is what I found.

I will start with the definition.

What is willpower, anyway?

Willpower refers to the ability to resist short-term temptations and override unwanted thoughts, feelings, or impulses in order to achieve long-term goals.

It is conscious, effortful self-regulation and can help overcome procrastination and stay focused despite obstacles.

All of that make willpower a very desirable trait to have.

But, sadly, not everyone has willpower.

If you have achieved a goal or accomplished something worthwhile, you know how hard it was to keep pushing through to get over the line.

Makes you believe some people have strong willpower and others do not.

Incorrect.

Contrary to popular belief, willpower is not an innate trait that you’re either born with or without. Rather it’s a complex mind-body response that can be compromised by stress, sleep deprivation and nutrition and that can be strengthened through certain practices.

Willpower is a lot like stress.

Stress is a reaction to an external threat for example a row with your boss, whereas willpower is a reaction to an internal conflict such as resisting the temptation to smoke or eat unhealthy food.

The need for self-control sets into motion a coordinated set of changes in the brain and body that help you resist temptation and override self-destructive urges.

It’s called the pause-and-plan response and it puts your body into a calmer state and sends extra energy to the brain’s prefrontal cortex, which helps to keep track of goals and override impulses and cravings.

The result is the motivation and mindset needed to achieve what is most important.

But how can I cultivate and maintain willpower?

There are three factors that affect our ability to resist temptations and accomplish what we really want, or need to do.

  1. Stress
  2. Sleep deprivation
  3. Nutrition

Let’s dissect them one by one.

Stress

Chronic stress can make it more difficult to find willpower because the biology of stress and willpower are incompatible.

The fight-or-flight response triggered by stress causes the body to focus on immediate, instinctual actions and detracts from the areas of the brain needed for wise decision-making.

To better manage your stress one of the easiest technique is to take a few deep breaths when you’re feeling overwhelmed or tempted.

Meditation is also an effective way to enhance a range of willpower skills, such as attention, focus, stress management, impulse control, and self-awareness. Meditation changes both the function and structure of the brain to support self-control.

Sleep deprivation

Sleep deprivation, can cause chronic stress and impair how the body and brain use energy. The prefrontal cortex, which controls cravings and the stress response, is particularly affected.

Without sufficient sleep, the brain can overreact to stress and temptations. Studies show that the effects of sleep deprivation on the brain are comparable to being intoxicated.

To cultivate and sustain willpower, getting an adequate amount of high-quality sleep is crucial.

Nutrition

Nutrition affects willpower by influencing the availability of energy to the brain.

Eating a plant-based, less-processed diet can make energy more readily available to the brain, thereby improving all aspects of willpower, including overcoming procrastination and sticking to resolutions.

Is willpower a limited resource?

The research in the field of willpower suggests that people who use willpower appear to run out of it, but it is both a limited and renewable resource.

Acts of self-control tap into the same source of strength and deplete willpower for unrelated challenges.

The research also shows that willpower decreases over the course of the day, as your energy gets “spent” on stress and self-control.

This is known as “the muscle model” of willpower. Like your body muscles, the willpower “muscle” can get exhausted from the excessive effort.

To make the most of your willpower, start your day with your hardest task first.

Devote 90–120 minutes to the hardest task of the day when your energy and willpower are at their peak.

How to keep the willpower going?

The most recommended way to keep your willpower going is to change your state.

If you’re sitting down and working on a computer, go for a long walk, take a nap, do some exercise, or do a meditation session.

Your beliefs and attitudes can also keep willpower depletion in check.

People who are driven by their own internal goals and desires are less easily depleted than people who feel compelled to exert self-control to please others.

And the good news is that willpower is never completely exhausted.

We appear to hold some willpower in reserve, conserved for future demands. The right motivation allows us to tap into those reserves, allowing us to persevere even when our self-control strength has run down.

So what changes I have made after learning all this about willpower?

  • I have started doing my hardest task (article writing) first.
  • I have built routines for walking, power napping, and meditating to supplement my willpower all through the day.

What is your experience with your willpower?

What steps will you take to make your willpower work for you?

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Do you know why most people don’t meet their goals

Neera

Because they set ‘means goal’ rather than ‘end goals.’

They think ‘means goals’ will lead them to their ‘end goals.’

They don’t.

Instead, they lead them to stress, anxiety, and dissatisfaction.

A ‘means goal’ is a means to an end.


Get good grades
so that you can get into a good university, 
so that you can get a good job, 
so that you can earn a good salary, 
so that you can live a good life.

The ‘end goal’ here is to live a good life.

The ‘end goals’ are about fulfilling our potential, experiencing love, being truly happy, and contributing to the world. 

Knowing the difference between ‘means goals’ and the ‘end goals’ is important.

‘Means goals’ usually have a “so” in them. ‘End goals’ are the result of being human.

The majority of people are so engrossed in fulfilling their ‘means goals,’ they lose touch with their ‘end goals.’

‘Means goals’ never end. As soon as you achieve one, the bar moves higher, and you end up setting another goal, and another, and another. Each one is more difficult than the previous one, leaving you unfulfilled and disenchanted.

‘End goals’ make you feel happy and fulfilled, taking the stress out while achieving them.

How to set ‘end goals?
By asking yourself 3 questions?

– What are the experiences you want in your life?
– How do you need to grow to have those experiences?
– How can you contribute to the rest of the world?

There is merit in looking at goal-setting in this way.

Since experiences are embedded at the emotional level, the desire to achieve them is much stronger.

Learning and growing are the essences of being human. Our soul wants to evolve through wisdom, new ideas, and new ways of perceiving the world.

When your goals are more than just personal achievements, the forces of the universe clear the path for you.

Use the 3 Questions Technique to set goals this year in the following three categories, and you will find you will achieve more with less stress.

Don’t set SMART goals

Neera

They don’t work.

For the last five decades, we have been fed the belief to set Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Time-bound goals. The problem is, such goals are either Outcome-based or Process-based.

“This year I will lose 10 pounds,” is an outcome-based goal.

“This year I will go to the gym and eat healthily,” is a process-based goal.

Both don’t work.

Because “these goals are filtered through our self-image and if inconsistent, are rejected or modified,” said Maxwell Maltz, the writer of ‘Psycho-Cybernetics.’

James Clear, the author of ‘Atomic Habits,’ who has been studying habits and goal setting for more than a decade suggests setting identity-based goals.

He famously said, “You don’t rise to the level of your goals, you fall to the level of your system.”

Your goals are your desired outcomes, and your system is the collection of daily habits that will get you there.

If you are not achieving your goals, your identity is holding you back.

Your identity is your self-image chosen for you, by you.

The more pride you have in a particular aspect of your identity, the more motivated you will be to maintain the habits associated with it.

“I am the type of person who eats healthy and never misses a workout,” is an identity-based goal.

My husband wakes up at five and goes for a walk every day, come rain, hail, or shine. He can’t miss his walk because walking is part of his identity.

I wake up at six and write for two hours, and don’t ever miss it. Writing is part of my identity.

Set identity-based goals, rather than rather than outcome or process-based goals and you will have a better chance of achieving them.

Who says New Year resolutions don’t work

Neera

1st of January is no ordinary date.

I have been keeping tabs on my New Year’s resolutions for the past four years, and I have not only met them but exceeded them.

Here is an interesting study to prove why.

Katy Milkman was hired by Google to find out why their employees don’t take advantage of several perks offered to them, at significant cost, to exercise, eat better, learn new skills, stop smoking, save for retirement, use social media in moderation.

She found since those incentives were available all year round
employees were less motivated to avail them.

She wrote in her book, “How to Change,” most people start a new project or a new habit on a Monday, or on the 1st of a month, or at the start of the year. When they want to make change happen, people instinctively gravitate toward moments that feel like a fresh start.

A New Year typically exerts a far more significant influence on behavior than a typical Monday. So do other landmarks such as birthdays or anniversaries. The more prominent the landmark, the more likely it is to help people take a step back, regroup, and make a clean break from the past.

Surveys might say 80% of New Year’s resolutions fail, but they fail to take into account that 20% of goal-setters make a successful change, thanks to a flip of the calendar.

Set your resolution with confidence. Be one of the 20% to make whatever change you want to make in your life. Today is the day to start a new chapter in the book of your life.